Missing my late sister

As Halloween is approaching, I see the houses on the streets of Halloween central around the Hamptons are becoming grave yards or Haunted houses with fake spider webs and tombstones and such. The trees have started turning red, orange and yellow, and the nice wood burning smell from fire places and the sweet spiced apple pies’ heavenly smell would float in the air.. so cozy. I just …feel a little sad this time of a year since my sister left the Earth four years ago.

That cold morning of October 15th, I was chatting with my friend via Facebook messenger about our plan to go to see a play in the city that I was invited by the star, Blythe Danner. I had worked with her that summer as a Wardrobe Supervisor at Guild Hall. She loved how I worked and was very nice to me. She said she wanted to help me to work in the city, and asked me if I want to help her in her Broadway show, but I had already committed in a Shakespeare play Hamlet and couldn’t do it. Blythe bought me the tickets to thank me for inviting her to see The Maids starring Cate Blanchette. It was a hard to get show even for a big star like Blythe, and I was lucky to buy the tickets from my friend Dianne B. Blythe also bought me a nice Japanese pre-theatre supper and I had a lovely time. I was really looking forward to seeing her again that week.

I was still in my pajama and cozy robe, sitting at the dining table with my lemon tea and laptop, my typical morning. Then I received the most shocking phone call from Japan. It was from my sister’s ex-boyfriend, who has been close to her teenage son & daughter she left behind. He told me that my sister was dead, and that he was calling from the Police station along with my niece and my mother. Then my niece came to the phone, crying… I knew this day would have come sooner or later, but it was hard to accept the reality. I was panicking inside, but tried to comfort my poor niece. My mother was there too, but she was already loosing her mind with her Alzheimers, and her emotion had been numbed for a long time. She’s had a hard life, raising three children by herself, while she also took care of her parents. Then my sister and her children.

My sister had a bad marriage as our mom did. I didn’t really know my sister’s ex-husband well, but she had told me that he got involved with some Yakuza, and vanished when she was pregnant with their second baby. They lived with my mother who ran a beauty salon adjoined to our house. My sister went to a beauty school as my mother did, but she dropped out, and never really worked. I was not very close to her and had no idea she was drinking to death, until one day I received an e-mailed that just said “ I want to die.” I was shocked and called her from New York right away. She was severely depressed. I listened to her, and tried to encourage her to get a skill to work while my mother is still healthy and being able to take care of her kids. We spoke on the phone from time to time, but I guess I said too much. She started to avoid me.

My sister called me the following year and begged me to come home saying that our mom had lost her mind and she didn’t know what to do to run the household. So I did. Our mom was diagnosed with level one of Alzheimers, which was hard to believe as she seemed fine to me.  I was worried about my sister more. I went to see her Psychiatric doctor with her and helped her with all kinds of things, but she was either high on alcohol or sleeping on the medications. Two years later, she died of Cirrhosis. She was found dead at her boyfriend’s apartment she had stayed for I don’t know how long, neglecting her teenage kids and our mother.

I was panicking that morning. I was in the middle of Hamlet, and worst of all, we were supposed to move into our rental house in a few days for our house renovation. It was a bad timing. “Do you want me to come right away.. or can I come a little later but before the funeral…? ” My niece wanted me to come right away, so I had to go of course. After I hang up the phone, I texted to my husband and he immediately called. I am forever grateful to him. My cozy peaceful morning turned chaotic. I took some deep breath and planed everything out. I’m a good travel planner, but the tiny cheap hotel room at the chain Hotel I booked was a mistake. My mother had became a hoarder, and I couldn’t stay there anymore. I loved the big bathhouse and the great Japanese buffet breakfast, but it was so depressing and I got so scared by myself at night. There was bad energy. I didn’t realize I am sensitive about it until I came to America, but I’ve got chilled in my back or my head felt heavy and got nauseous at certain places. I left the television on at night, but I woke up in the middle of one night to see the funeral scene of Mohammed Ali! I guess he worshiped Buddhism, they were chanting and it creeped me out! I grew up in Buddhism but the whole funeral thing is very scary to me.

During the daytimes, I was busy helping with the paper work etc for my mother, and actually didn’t even have a chance to think about my sister’s death until we got to the cremation service place. My mother never cried. I had no one to talk to. When I saw my three aunties in black dresses, the reality hit me and I burst in to tears. My mother used up her whole savings after my sister got sick, going in and out of hospitals, and had been under the care of the government which was wonderful compared to the U.S. However, the funeral they took care of was a very sad one. There was no wake, no funeral, not even a monk but only a simple cremation service with only her closest friends attended. My oldest and religious auntie gave a prayer for us. When I saw my sister’s pale face without any makeup in her coffin, I felt so sad for her. I wouldn’t want to die like that. I cried and apologized to her for not having a decent funeral. When I put a flower on her at the end, I saw tears came out from her eye. “Tears for gratitude” my mother said. I know it was just retained water coming out, but it was so haunted and beautiful at the same time.

When I came back, many sympathy cards from the cast and the crews from Hamlet and also from the dancers of Hampton Ballet Theatre School were waiting for me. I was so touched and they comforted me, but Ophelia’s corpse reminded me of my sister in her coffin, and the funeral scene in Hamlet was just too much to take. It took me a while to forget about it.

My sister came to my dream a few days before the anniversary. According to the celebrity Psychic Medium James Van Praagh, when we see deceased loved ones in our dreams, we are actually the one who are visiting them in the other side. On the anniversary, I group texted my nephew, niece and my brother to acknowledge it. My niece didn’t respond, but my nephew said that he also saw his mom in his dream. “ What did she say?” I asked. “ She actually apologized to me.”

I think my nephew needed to hear that. I feel sad for my sister, but I know she is fine now. I  regret that I was not there for her. But it’s life. I trust she is watching over her kids and our mother, and I will do my best for my part also.

I wish everyone will cherish what you’ve been given and express your love to your loved ones any given day.

Love, y.