What Fear Brings

November rain (love the song by Guns N’ Roses) is nice and cozy… It’s pretty cold in the Hamptons now, but the houses look nice and neat, the autumn colors of mums at the front entrances. I enjoy my chai latte with almond milk at my favorite cafe after my morning meditation circle. Some of the staff knows me now, and makes my chai latte when I walk in, then gives me a “ Have a great day Yuka! ” when I leave. Little things like that make my heart warm and peaceful. I feel at home.

This time of the year, I was always insanely busy working on the Nutcracker costumes and never had the time to do anything else. I would work all day for two months straight, and the stress made me grind my teeth in my sleep, my husband told me. We wouldn’t put the Christmas tree up for my daughter until the show was over. While it was all worth it, it was just too much.

But this fall is different. After creating hundreds of ballet costumes for the last 11 years, I had left the school after the last Nutcracker. I was appreciated by them and was comfortable with where I was, but I’ve been dreaming about working for New York City Ballet (NYCB), the Metropolitan Opera, and bigger films. My astrologer James Haygney said he has never seen anyone who has accomplished so much of what they were supposed to accomplish. I was born ambitious, and I want to keep achieving success. I may sound shallow, and I know it’s my ego, but I really want to be an award winning artist. THOUGHTS BECOME REALITY. I shall make it happen. As they whisper in the film FIELD OF DREAMS,  “IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL COME”. I’ve made some space to bring something else. I am ready to jump, like Madonna’s song!

At first, I thought the “he” was the amazing director of the costume shop at NYCB, who taught Daniel Day Lewis how to drape, for his character as a couture fashion designer in the film PHANTOM THREAD. They say the person you want to meet is one phone call away, but now a days, one e-mail away! I asked my friend who knew the costume shop director to introduce me, and she happily “e-troduced ” us with his approval. She said he would meet me to explain how costume designers work for NYCB. In theatre, directors bring their costume designers but it seems like I need to meet choreographers in the ballet world.

I was thrilled, and waited for his reply. One week passed quickly, then one month…I knew he is a super busy person, so I waited three months patiently until I sent him a follow-up e-mail before he might have taken a summer vacation. Still nothing. “Has he even received my e-mails?” I wondered. You know how important mail could end up in the  junk mail box, so I was checking it often but didn’t see anything from NYCB. I felt pathetic, and was looking for the answer.

The tarot card said there might be something more that I had to work on. Be ready, it said, so when the train comes, I can jump on. What did i do? I researched more about NYCB, and checked any costume related job openings because I’d start from anywhere if necessary. I watched videos of Justin Peck, the hottest resident choreographer of NYCB. He has worked with some artists, one of which was a young artist started only four years ago or so, but already has achieved many awards. There are so many young, talented and energetic artists in Manhattan who can deliver costumes fast. How can I compete with them? Do I have that kind of energy…? It was so intimidating, and depressed me. My fear was putting a weight on my heart.

Thankfully, this was all familiar to me. I knew I just had to shake my fear off and believe that my angels are always at work to help me. After a meditation, the new goop magazine I grabbed delivered the message to me!

“Competition with others is toxic. Competition with yourself is healthy. Nothing good ever comes out of looking to your periphery or ahead of you or behind you to see what the other guy is doing, no matter how much it might galvanize you. Everyone is dealt their own, very specific hand in life; what you get or don’t get has no bearing on others, and what they get or don’t get has no bearing on you. Have absolute focus on what you are here to manifest.” Thank you Gwyneth Paltrow ~

At the end of the summer, my friend Dianne invited me to the NYCB event as my birthday gift. There, she introduced me to her friend, and one of the five vice chairmans of the board members of NYCB (One of them was Sara Jessica Parker)! I was glad that I was wearing my tulle skirt which got many compliments. After the intermission, a woman in the audience said “I wish they (the NYCB principal dancers) wear beautiful costumes like yours! ”

“That’s the kind of thing you want to hear.” Dianne whispered to me with a mischievous smile.

Amazingly, the vice chairman had seen my costumes in the Nutcracker, and she said they were very good!! “I’ve always wanted to work for NYCB!” I exclaimed, and she said she would see my portfolio! Both Dianne and the Vice Chairman were (and always are) busy, but Dianne promised she’d setup a meeting for me after her trip to Italy. Taking Dianne’s great advice, I made some photo books with my sketches, which took me a while. “Maybe this was the something I had to do to be ready?” I hope that was it..

Another restless waiting time, another depression mode and a follow-up e-mail later, I finally got a reply from the vice chairman last week. She wrote that she is looking forward to seeing my portfolio, and that she could bring them to the next board meeting! I danced up and down with excitement! “ That is good news!” Dianne wrote…I love her so much!  I sent my photo books with a cover letter, my resume and a box of candy (I’m very Japanese) to her address in Manhattan.

It took courage for me to share this now. “Should I wait to share it until I hear good news..?”

I chose not to be afraid. Fear is bad energy. It comes from ignorance. It puts heavy weight on our shoulders and slows us down. There are thousands of successful artists in the world, but I am unique too. I’ve worked hard and everybody loves my costumes. There must be something only I can bring. Meditation is helping me to get rid of my fear. I breath in, imaging white light of loving energy coming through my third eye, then breath out black smoke of fear going down into the Earth. This is another message I got from the book my meditation circle leader shared one morning.

“We cannot enjoy life if we spend a lot of time worrying about what happened yesterday and what will happen tomorrow. We worry about tomorrow because we are afraid. If we are afraid all the time, we cannot appreciate that we are alive and can be happy now.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Have no fear, and love, everyone!

Love, y.